Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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