Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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