I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
