Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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