I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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