i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize