Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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