I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
