Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
