I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
