By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
