Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
You're like the curious george of whores
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
