I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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