I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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