Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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