I just saw a hot homeless man
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
