R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
