I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize