Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Randomize
