she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Randomize
