woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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