nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.â€
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
