i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
