So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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