I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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