my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
