dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
