sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
