Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
