I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
