does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
