sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
