She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
