Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
