Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Oh god it's open bar.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
