I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
