it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
