I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Randomize
