wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
This is the high leading the old right now
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
