I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
