life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
