I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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