Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
