Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Barsexuality is the new black.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
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