These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
