When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i drank out of a bidet.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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