What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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