Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
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