He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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