spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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