I wish I could teleport
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
