the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
