I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
