Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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