at some point to night u and I have a 'meeting' too...(1-737): I hope so
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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