he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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