theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize