Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
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