miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
