I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
