She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
