If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
