i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We are two peas in an std pod
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
